Cold Lazarus Extended
by Vinividivinci
Summary: What happens after the events of Cold Lazarus? This is a Jack/Sara story so beware all you S/J shippers. Please give it a try.


_**I just rewatched Cold Lazarus – an episode I've tended to avoid as I found it so sad. But after watching it again I realized I really wanted to write a continuation of it because it was obvious that Jack still really loved Sara. I don't usually do Jack/Sara stories (this is only my second) as I'm usually a Jack/Sam shipper. I do hope you'll give it a read even so.**_

_**It's a complete story – I promise to continue Out of the Room right away.**_

He took a deep breath and then knocked on the door. He had to close his eyes for a moment, as the memories washed over him. He hadn't been back to the house for months – not since he'd moved out. The wave of sadness and longing that filled him were almost, but not quite, a shock.

The door opened and there she stood. She looked as if she'd been crying, which was no surprise after what she – they'd – just been through.

"Jack, you're here," she said, seemingly stunned at seeing him.

"Hi Sara. I hope this is okay?" He sounded uncertain, which was something he didn't usually like to show. But today, probably more than any day in his life, he knew it was important to be honest, with her and with himself.

"What do you want?" she asked. The tone wasn't angry or bitter, rather she sounded as if she was puzzled that he was here.

"I want to talk to you, to explain," he told her sincerely.

At that she did look bitter. "What? It's not classified?" she asked, too used to him not being able to explain things to her.

"Yes, it is," he said, "but I've got permission to tell you – if you want to know, that is."

She regarded him in silence and he stood there, waiting to see if there was any possibility of – anything. Finally he could see her let out a lungful of air and close her eyes. She almost looked as if she was giving up – although what, he didn't know.

"Okay, yes, I want to know." She stood back from the door. "Come in."

"Thank you," he said gently, sincerely. He waited for her to lead him to the living room, feeling strange that he was a guest, that this was no longer his home.

He glanced around, noticing that not much had changed. He could see Charlie's pictures all over, much like in his own home. He was also surprised to see their family picture, the same one he had on his wall. He thought she would have destroyed it.

"Sit down," she invited. After they'd both sat, him on the couch, her on the chair facing him, she waited for him to speak.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out some folded papers. "Before I tell you, I need you to sign these," he told her. He winced at her expression, but then rushed to explain. "What I have to tell you is top secret, and the only way they would give me permission to tell you is if I had you sign these non-disclosure forms. They simply say -"

" - that I'll be charged with treason if I tell anyone what you're about to tell me."

"Yeah," he nodded, "I'm afraid so. Normally they wouldn't let me tell you, but after what you saw the President agreed that it would be okay."

"The _President_?" she asked, startled. "It's that big?"

"Bigger," he nodded. "Here, sign these and I'll tell you."

"And this will explain what happened, who that man was and Cha – the one that looked like Charlie?"

"Yes, I'll explain everything."

She regarded him silently again, but finally nodded and reached for the papers and the pen he handed her. She spent the next few minutes reading everything carefully. "They're serious, aren't they?" she finally looked up and asked him.

"Very," he told her.

"Okay." She signed the papers and then handed them back. "Now explain."

He sighed and thought for a moment. He'd gone back to the SGC and had contacted the President almost immediately; knowing he had to tell Sara what was going on. He'd had to work hard to convince the man that he should be given permission to disclose everything. When he'd finally been given that permission he'd immediately jumped into his truck and drove to Sara's. What he hadn't done was really think about what he was going to tell her.

"I think I need to start at the beginning," he told her. "You're going to find it pretty unbelievable, but I promise you I'm telling you the truth. This is no game Sara, I mean that."

She could see that he was being sincere – and sincere Jack was always to be believed.

"Okay, so tell me, who was that man, that child."

"I'll get to that, but first you need to hear everything." He sighed and readjusted himself on the couch, suddenly feeling terribly uncomfortable. He had to discuss things he never spoke about.

"After – Charlie," he said, "I was – well, you know."

"No, I don't," she said softly. "That was the problem."

He stood suddenly and walked to the fireplace and put his hand on the mantle, staring at the baby pictures of his son. Sara didn't say anything; probably realizing how difficult this was for him. Damn him and his inability to talk about his feelings.

He finally turned and looked at her, his hand still on the mantle as if for support. "I wanted to die," he said, without much emotion. "I'd killed my son – the most precious thing in the world, along with you, and I didn't want to live."

She was still quiet, although he could see that tears had sprung to her eyes. He took another breath. "I tried to kill myself, you know."

"Jack!" she said, her hand over her mouth in horror. "Oh God – I didn't know."

"No, I didn't want you to. I took my gun – the one he'd used –and I put it in my mouth. I couldn't pull the trigger though – I suddenly realized that you'd find my body and – I couldn't do that to you as well."

"Oh God Jack," was all she could say.

"It was right after that that I got a visit from the Air Force. They wanted me for a mission."

"I know, you told me. I was – angry that you'd leave me at that time to go on a mission."

"Well, it wasn't just a normal mission," he told her.

"What do you mean?"

"It was a suicide mission. They pretty much told me I wouldn't be coming home. They knew what kind of state I was in and decided to use that – to use me."

"Oh my God! How could they?"

"They felt it was worth it," he shrugged. "And I figured it was a way to do what I wanted to do, but this way you would get my pension and I would die a hero. It's not that I cared about that for me – but I figured it would be better for you."

"You bastard!" she told him. "How could you possibly think that it would be better for me? I didn't want you to _die_!"

"I figured you blamed me for Charlie and that you could go on with your life much better if I was gone," he admitted.

"God Jack– you are such a fool. Of course I was angry! We'd just lost our son and I had to blame someone. But I didn't hate you and I didn't want you _gone_. I would have dealt with it – _we_ would have dealt with it if you had given us a chance. Instead you decide to take the easy way out and kill yourself. How could you do that to me – to us?"

He shook his head. "I was in such pain Sara. I felt such guilt that it was killing me slowly. I figured this would be faster. I'm sorry, so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I really thought it would be better. I know I was wrong but – I wasn't thinking clearly."

She shook her head, still thrown by what he had said. But she wanted to hear the rest, so she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "So then what happened?"

"I found out what the mission was and it was – like nothing you could have imagined," he told her softly.

"What was it?"

"It was the Stargate," he said simply.

"The Stargate? What is that?"

He chuckled, without any real humor. "Exactly what it says. It is a gate to the stars. It was first discovered in Giza in the 1920's and then eventually brought to Earth. It was mothballed for years, until a woman by the name of Catherine Langford (whose father had discovered it) recruited an archaeologist by the name of Daniel Jackson."

"Wait – that's the name of one of the men that was with you today," she said.

"Yes. He's a member of my team."

"An archaeologist?" she asked in surprise.

"I know," he gave her a crooked smile. "I actually have two scientists on my team," he told her.

"And they've survived?" she said with an answering smile.

He chuckled again but then continued. "Daniel had discovered that the Stargate was actually an ancient devise that was used to connect two points in space."

"Really?" she said, looking somewhat amused. "And how did he discover that?"

"By getting it to work."

She frowned. "To work? How?"

"Look, you know me. I'm not always the best at explaining this stuff, but essentially it creates an artificial wormhole – or a path - between two points in space. It bends time and space or something. Anyway, what it does is allow people to travel to other planets."

"It allows people to travel to other planets? Jack, you're kidding me, right?"

"I'm completely serious Sara. And I know it works because I've used it."

He could tell she didn't believe him, which wasn't surprising. But he had to make her understand and so he continued. "The mission I was sent on was the first time anyone had used it – well, actually it was the second, but we didn't know that then. The first person had gone through it 50 years ago and had never returned. But as far as we knew at the time I was the first. Daniel and a team of soldiers went with me. We went to a different planet Sara – a place called Abydos."

He stopped then and looked at her. Her expression slowly changed from one of disbelief, to confusion to dawning acceptance. "You're telling me the truth," she finally whispered, sounding shocked.

He nodded. "It's true. We can travel through the stars. To date I've been to over twenty different planets."

"Oh my God! Jack, I can't believe it! You're telling me been to _space_?"

"Yeah! Who would have figured, eh? All those people who said I wouldn't amount to much and now I travel to all sorts of other planets."

"Other planets! I can't believe this!" She sat just shaking her head for a long time, trying to take everything in. Suddenly she frowned. "Wait. You said that first mission was a suicide mission – that you wanted to die. Obviously you didn't."

"No – thank goodness. It was actually Daniel Jackson who saved my life. He made me realize what I was giving up. He made me want to live again."

Sara gave a soft snort and shook her head. ""It took travelling to space with an archaeologist to make you want to live when I couldn't!" she said bitterly.

"Oh Sara – it wasn't that. I felt – I felt so guilty for what I'd done to you. It wasn't that I didn't love you – I just couldn't get beyond my feelings of self-hatred and pain. Daniel made me take a look at myself and realize what I was doing. He was far enough away from what had happened to make me look at everything clearly. It wasn't you – it was me."

She swallowed and looked away, until finally she gave a brief nod. "I understand. I think we were both too caught up in our own grief and guilt and anger to be there for one another. But - I didn't know any of this, didn't understand, and so when you went on that mission I thought -"

" – you thought?" he asked, after she stopped speaking.

"I thought you didn't care anymore, that there was nothing left for me, for us."

"I'm sorry," he said softly, "so sorry Sara. I didn't mean to hurt you like that." This time he paused and tried to recover. It was hard to speak of these things – it brought back so much hurt. But he knew if he didn't, then there was no chance. "When I got back from Abydos I came home. I wanted to tell you I was sorry, to tell you that I loved you and wanted us to start to heal together. But when I got home – you were gone."

"Jack – I didn't know," she whispered. "But why didn't you come and get me. You knew I was at my father's. Why didn't you come?"

He shrugged. "I almost did but then -" he shrugged again.

He could see her start to get angry. He had always been good at reading Sara's moods – not that she tried to hide them, not like him. "You decided that it was better for me if you were out of my life, didn't you? You decided that I'd be happier without you. That's it, isn't it?"

"Uh – Sara," he tried to speak, but couldn't. She knew him too well.

At that she stood up and walked away from him, her back exuding fury. "You are such a bastard, Jack O'Neill," she said again. "How could you?" she swung around and faced him – a blond Valkyrie. A part of him recognized how magnificent she was. Another part was afraid that she would never forgive him.

"You always thought you knew better – you were always the one who decided he had to sacrifice himself. But this time – I needed you Jack! I needed you to come and hold me, to share the pain with me, to be with me. Instead you thought you knew what I needed, but you never _asked_ me. You were just sure you knew better. God – maybe you were right. Maybe I am better without you!"

He felt like he'd been stabbed, but he knew that he deserved all that she said. He did always assume he knew what was best. He would always rush in to try and save those he loved, even if they didn't need saving – or if sometimes he was the one who needed to be saved.

"I'm sorry," he said again. "I _was_ a bastard," he chuckled bitterly, "still am I guess. But I want you to know that I really am sorry and I was wrong. I didn't want to hurt you."

She let out a slow deep breath and then turned and moved back to the chair. She sat down slowly, almost like an old woman. "So tell me about those people – the ones who looked like you and - Charlie," she said. "I assume this has something to do with your travelling to other planets."

He wanted to continue the conversation about her leaving him – and him not following her – but looking at her he could tell she couldn't deal with that right now. With a sigh he too moved to sit down. He had to think for a moment about the rest of the story, but eventually he started again.

"My team and I – they're the people you met – went to this planet -"

"Are there names for these planets?" she interrupted.

"Designations," he told her. "Numbers, letters. There's some scientific rationale, which I don't understand. So we went to this planet and I was separated from the rest of them. I came across this pit with all of these crystals in it. I looked at one of them, and I guess I was knocked out."

"Were you hurt?" she asked, sounding worried. That made him feel a bit better. She must care a bit, he decided.

"Just a little – nothing serious. But I was unconscious for quite a while. What I didn't realize is that these crystals were actually living beings that could somehow mimic people."

"Mimic – you mean that you – that Charlie – they were _crystals_?"

"Mmm hmm," he nodded. "Some kind of alien life form. When I was knocked out, the crystal I was looking at took my form. He explained later that he felt badly that he had hurt me, so tried to heal me. They can somehow understand our thoughts and emotions." He grew uncomfortable at this, knowing that soon she would realize that the alien imposter had told her things from Jack's mind that normally he wouldn't say.

"He – well, he said that he realized that my deepest wound wasn't the physical," he stopped hoping that he didn't have to continue.

"Charlie," she breathed.

He nodded. "He – I'll call him he since he took my form – decided to return to Earth to – uh – deal with some of what he saw as my – wound."

"That's why he came to see me."

Jack nodded. "I hope – I hope he didn't hurt you," he told her softly. He could again see that her eyes were full of tears.

"So what he said – the things he shared – did they come from him or you?" she asked.

He knew his answer was important, and knew he had to speak the truth. "I think – they were from me. He seemed to be able to read my thoughts and emotions."

"He asked about us, about Charlie," Sara told him. "I couldn't figure out what was wrong – it was so unlike you, and yet so wonderful. There was an openness, a vulnerability I'd never seen in you. But that wasn't you – that part – was it?"

He knew that this was the moment – the moment he could be his usual self and lose all chance of a future – or he could bare his soul and maybe move forward. He swallowed and tried to breath, but his lungs felt as if they were being squeezed. As he hesitated he could see Sara's expression begin to harden. It was now or never.

"Yes," he whispered softly, "Yes it was me. I mean – he got it from me. I just – never had the courage to let you see that in me."

"The courage?" she asked, surprised.

"Yeah – I was afraid. Afraid to show that I _was_ vulnerable, that I was hurting and scared. I figured if I showed you then – those things would become real and I'd fall apart. I'm so sorry Sara. I should have let you in. I was in such pain that I closed myself off to you – figuring if I opened up I'd be destroyed. Forgive me for that."

"Oh Jack," she said, sounding sad and relieved and – something else he couldn't read.

"Did he – say anything else?"

"We just talked – about Charlie, about us. It was – nice. It wasn't what I was used to from you." She laughed softly. "I guess I should have realized it _wasn't_ really you."

"No – I mean – it wasn't, but it was – sort of. The alien simply told you what -"

"What?"

"- what was in my mind – in my heart."

That did it. She tried to hide her face, but he could see the tears now travelling down her cheeks. He felt horrible and wanted to go to her, to hold her, but he couldn't. He'd given up that right.

"I'm so sorry this happened," he said. "I didn't want you to be hurt – again."

"No, you don't understand," she told him, trying to wipe her face with her hand. "It was – so good. It was so good to finally talk, to finally hear what you were thinking. I almost felt as if -"

"As if?"

She shook her head. "Nothing. So – what happened with the alien?"

"He couldn't exist in our world – that's what caused the electrical surges. When I went to the hospital he explained who he was – _what_ – he was. He then told me he knew that – Charlie – was the wound in me that wouldn't heal." He smiled gently at her. "He told me that Charlie was still alive, in here," he laid his hand on his chest. "He then changed and became Charlie. I think to give me – us – a chance for closure, a chance to say goodbye."

"I don't know if it made me feel better or worse," she confessed. "Seeing him – "

"I know. I felt the same. And holding his hand – God – but Sara, afterward I," he paused. "I realized something."

"What? What did you realize?"

"Well first that I had been a colossal ass and that I needed to apologize."

"And second?"

"That – I missed you. When I saw you standing there and when I held you – God, I missed you so much Sara."

She nodded, but the tears began again. "I know," she finally said, so softly he almost couldn't hear. "I know but -"

"But?"

"I've spent the last year trying to rebuild my life. I figured that I needed to start again, to find joy in – something, anything."

"And did you?"

She shook her head. "Sometimes, but not often. Dad helped, but he's grieving too – for Charlie and for me." She suddenly straightened up – put her shoulders back and looked at him directly. "What happened – with the alien?" she asked.

"I took him back to his planet and left him there. He apologized and hoped he hadn't hurt you. I told him that no – that had been me, not him. When I left he had turned back into the crystal. I doubt we'll ever go there again."

"So, it's all over and you'll go back to travelling among the starts."

He nodded and pursed his lips. He felt defeated – tired, listless. He had so hoped - "I should leave you," he suddenly said, standing up. "I'm sure you'll be glad to see the last of me. I just – I wanted you to know, to understand."

"About the alien, or about us?" she asked, standing slowly and looking at him.

He looked back at her and then smiled his crooked smile. "Both I guess. I needed you to know that everything that happened – it was because I was afraid, not because I didn't –" he stopped and took a breath, "not because I stopped loving you. Because I didn't – ever."

"Not even now?" she said quietly.

He shook his head. "Not even now."

She took one step towards him. "What are you saying Jack? Please, I need to know. I need you to tell me what you're thinking. I can't – I can't do this anymore. I can't not know what you're thinking, what you're feeling."

He nodded at her, knowing that she deserved the truth, no matter how hard it was for him to say.

"I love you Sara," he told her gently. "I've always loved you – I never stopped. I just – let the pain and guilt almost destroy me, and I didn't want them to destroy you, so I left. And I'm sorry for that too, because it wasn't fair to you. I was a coward and I hurt you even when I tried not too. I should have told you how I felt. We should have cried together, grieved together – and I'm sorry for that, sorry that I left you to grieve alone and sorry that I didn't come and find you after you left."

"No Jack – you don't need to be sorry, at least not any more than I am. I couldn't cry with you either. I was too filled with anger and grief. We were both scared and neither of us was in any shape to help each other. Of course I forgive you for that – but only if you'll forgive me."

"God – of course Sara. But I don't have to forgive you – I never blamed you for anything."

After a few minutes of silence, in which neither of them knew what to say, Sara finally smiled. "So, what now?" she asked. "Is this it, or is there – can there be –more."

"I don't know," he shook his head. "I guess – it's up to you."

"It's up to both of us Jack. Tell me – what do you want?"

"Me?" he smiled and looked around the room. "I miss this house. I miss Mike and I miss being part of a family. But most of all – I miss you Sara. I don't feel like I'm whole. There's no one who knows me like you do – for good or bad. I miss holding you and laughing with you and loving you. And I miss Charlie," he said, his eyes filling and his face beginning to crumple. "I miss him so much. I miss coming home to the two of you. God, I'm so sorry Sara – so, so sorry!"

She walked over to him and slowly put her arms around his waist and leaned into him. "I miss you too – and I'll always miss Charlie. But it's easier when we're together Jack. Together we can remember him and remember the good times when we were a family."

"Can you forgive me? For Charlie?"

"I forgave you a long time ago," she said. "It was a horrible accident and not your fault. Of course I forgive you."

His arms went around her, then, and he held her tightly, not saying anything. He breathed her in, buried his face in her hair and reveled in being held by her. Although the wound in his heart would never completely heal, his world was at least starting to right itself. Things felt in focus for the first time in a long, long time.

He breathed in slowly, feeling his muscles relax and his eyes grow heavy. He was so tired and yet so relaxed. He wanted to stay here forever.

"Jack?" her voice finally pulled him back. He lifted his head and looked down at her. Sara's face was wet with tears, but she also looked happy – happier than he'd seen her in a long time.

"Yes?" he smiled.

"Will you stay?"

"For now?"

"For forever."

His smile grew until he was grinning from ear to ear. Little did he know but it was that expression that had made her fall in love with him in the first place. It was a combination of sweetness and mischief – and all Jack O'Neill.

"Oh yeah," he finally told her. His expression then grew serious and he looked deep into her eyes. Finally he leaned forward and touched his lips to hers. The kiss was sweet and gentle – and was a promise of renewed love and commitment. "I love you, Sara O'Neill."

She grinned in response. "And I love you too, Jack O'Neill."

As he went to kiss her again, he gave one brief thought to the alien whose own world had been torn from him, but who had given him back his.

**Epilogue**

"Hey Lucy, I'm home," he shouted as he walked into the house. It had been a long and brutal mission and he was incredibly happy to be home. He'd showered at the SGC, but was now looking at a week's down time. He had decided to take Sara away for a few days on a romantic trip for the two of them.

"Hi Jack," she came down the stairs and immediately walked over to him and hugged him. She then gave him a sweet, sweet kiss. "Welcome back! You look tired."

"I am – but _so_ glad to be back home. Come and sit with me."

"How did everything go?" she asked.

He told her a bit about the mission – making light of the few harrowing moments – and thought how grateful he was that he didn't have to hide the Stargate program from her.

"So, how were things here?"

They'd been back together just over three months and things were going well. They had had a few issues to deal with, but with a lot of work they'd both managed to open up to one another and rebuild the trust and love they'd had together. It was still difficult for them to talk about Charlie, but they were both trying. Jack especially made a real effort to open up to Sara and to talk to her about what he was thinking and feeling. Sometimes he still hid behind sarcasm or deflection, but those times were growing fewer as he became more comfortable with being open.

His teammates teased him continuously – which he supposed he deserved as he walked around like he was on his honeymoon, which, in a way he was. He knew he often had a silly grin on his face, and sometimes he grew distracted (never on a mission) but he would just shrug and tell people they were jealous.

Although he still felt the pain of his son's death, and knew he always would, life had turned much brighter for him. There was – once again – hope and joy in his life.

Sara had been chatting about her days while Jack was away, but suddenly she grew quiet. Jack noticed, but didn't say anything, wondering with a pang, what was wrong, Things were still new enough that he still worried that she would grow tired of him.

"What is it?" he asked carefully.

"I have to show you something," she said, standing up suddenly. "Stay there," she held her hand up as he went to stand. "I'll be right back."

She ran up the stairs but soon came back. She held something in her hand, although he couldn't tell what it was.

"What is it?' he asked again. Silently, without saying a word, she held out a white stick.

Jack frowned and took it, and then looked down at it. It only took him a second to realize what it was. He stared for a moment at the little pink heart and then lifted his head.

He opened his mouth, but it took a few seconds before anything came out. "Really?" he finally asked.

Sara simply nodded, looking both frightened and excited. She looked as if she was waiting for his reaction before she could decide which emotion to settle on.

"You're – you're – this is real?"

She nodded – and he surged to his feet and grabbed her and swung her around. Sara started to laugh and Jack joined her.

"Oh my God Sara! We're really going to do this?"

"Yes Jack – really! I was worried you'd be upset."

He leaned back and frowned. "Upset – why? I'm _thrilled_!"

"Are you?" she smiled. "Really?"

"Really, really. God, I love you so much. Thank you! I can't believe this! We're going to have a baby!"

"I know. I couldn't believe it either. I've been feeling a bit off and then it dawned on me I was late and so I went and bought a test and – Jack, we're going to have a baby!"

He kissed her then and sat down with her. For a long time they simply held one another and whispered sweet words to each other. It was only after a long time that Jack suddenly laughed.

"What is it?" Sara asked, leaning back and looking at him with a smile.

"I'm never going to live this down," he told her laughing. "And you realize that this kid is going to have an alien and two scientists as its godparents!"

She laughed and leaned her head on his shoulder. "Of course," she said. "It's an O'Neill."

_And they lived, happily ever after._

_**The end.**_

"


End file.
